Letting Go...

I have to give up control... that's the bottom line of everything I do in my life. I have a hard time not trying to control every situation of my life and when something doesn't go exactly like I planned I feel as though I've failed. What I have to learn from all situations is to let go and let God take it. Deep down in my heart I know this and I believe this, but putting it into practice is not always so easy.
Today we took down my daughters crib and put up the toddler railing. Nothing crazy, but still a big step. This one little thing made my heart hurt for a while thinking about her growing up. I know she has to grow up and learn things and I wouldn't want her to stay little and always having to do everything for her, but it still feels like one of those situations I want to control, but I know I can't.
I have struggled with anxiety for the past 9 years and have recently gone off medication in hopes of being able to control it with more healthy eating, exercise and prayer AND relying on God more. It's been hard and I know that I have to let go of the things I can't control, but I'm finding with knowing that God wins every time there shouldn't be anything that I can't do, even as simple as letting my little girl grow-up.

Below is a picture of Addie at the recent beach trip we went to with our high school students:

All By Myself...

I know I'm not really all by myself. I have God and I have friends and family, but this weekend I am a "single mom" and let me tell you it's hard. I'm am so totally blessed with how much my husband does. He takes out the trash, will give Addie baths, cleans up after dinner, plus a multitude of other things that I don't have time to name off. He's pretty darn amazing! So, when he leaves for a few days I usually call my parents and ask to stay over there. This time I decided I could do it on my own and be totally fine. That was until last night when I didn't fall asleep until 2:30am. I had about a thousand different things running through my mind and it just wouldn't shut off plus I would just be falling alseep and I would hear some weird noise.

I don't think its that I can't do all the above things on my own, because I can and I would. I think it's mostly that I get lonely and I need people around. Yes, I am aware that my daughter is a person, but it's not the same. Our conversations are usually about Tinkerbell, Dora or if she went poo poo. :-) So, I called my mom up this morning and asked if we could come crash with them for a few days which she was totally fine with. The other reason we didn't originally stay with my parents is that my brothers girlfriend is visiting from Idaho this week and is staying in the spare room. Which is totally fine (and by the way I love her, she's super great) and both Addie and I can sleep pretty much anywhere.

So, as I sit in my parents living room writing this lovely blog I feel a lot of relief that I will have people around me to converse with this weekend. i will no longer be "all by myself."